Is Your Church as Friendly as You Think? 

By Matthew D. Kim

Before You Read

Many churches assume they are welcoming — but research consistently shows that first-time guests often experience something very different. This article draws on Matthew D. Kim’s work to examine what genuine church friendliness looks like, why it matters for discipleship, and what your congregation can do to make every visitor feel they truly belong.

Whether you’re a pastor, ministry leader, or church member, these insights offer a practical and biblical framework for evaluating and improving your church’s culture of welcome.

The Friendliness Crisis in Today’s Church 

Crisis is a word that can be overused. Nevertheless, there are some things that do warrant being called a crisis. 

I want to draw attention to a crisis in congregations that may not be on many people’s radars: too many churches are less friendly than they realize.  

As Thom Rainer reports, 

Most church members really do think their church is very friendly. … But, more times than not, they are wrong.… Volumes of survey data from church guests indicate that very few churches are really friendly. 

The Church That Thinks It’s Friendly (But Isn’t) 

I have worshiped the Lord with many churches across North America and abroad. Most of the churches I’ve visited have been lacking in friendliness.  

As Rainer pointed out, most churchgoers would say, “But that’s not my church!” After all, which person or congregation wants to be labeled as unfriendly? Yet a common issue plaguing many churches is that established members of a congregation don’t truly see their guests. Oftentimes, we are unknowingly or unintentionally unfriendly.  

What Does a Friendly Church Look Like?  

A friendly church is a congregation in which members and regular attenders intentionally seek out church guests and are trained to welcome them and disciple them while finding a sense of belonging and Christian community.  

This is a long view of friendliness focused on more than the initial visit. 

How can you tell if you’re being unfriendly? Put yourself in the shoes of someone who is visiting your church. We all know the feeling of being ignored when we visit on a Sunday morning. The trick is to remember what it feels like when you are not currently being ignored. 

Friendliness Is a Discipleship Issue 

The phrase “unfriendly church” should be an oxymoron.  

The reality, though, is that there are many less-than-friendly congregations that are unintentionally driving visitors and even regular attenders away. I know and believe that we can do better and, in certain cases, much better. We should want to demonstrate a warm, friendly, inviting, welcoming, and hospitable church atmosphere from the very moment a guest enters the building to the time they step out the door to go home. Friendliness cannot be assumed. We are not automatically friendly because we are a local church. Rather, it must be intentional, strategized, and sustained over time. 

Put simply, friendliness is a discipleship issue. Friendliness should be a core characteristic for the people of God. Friendliness flows from spiritual maturity. Therefore, it matters. 

Let’s together take on the mantle of ministry from Ephesians 4:12–13, paraphrasing the apostle Paul’s challenge: “Every member is a minister.”  

It Takes a Church 

The task of becoming a friendlier church cannot be left to pastors, paid staff, ordained elders, and deacons alone. It will take the entire churchly village to change the culture of any congregation. Don’t let another visitor sneak away never to return by exhibiting an unwelcome spirit toward them, whether intentional or not. The problem of unfriendly churches can be improved with intentionality, prayer, strategy, and unity. Even if you don’t think your church is unfriendly, you can probably admit that you could be friendlier. We can fulfill our part in building the kingdom by growing Christian communities where church guests turn into disciple-makers! 

We Might Have One Chance 

Our church is hopefully never just a person’s preference or a flavor of the month. It’s a potential oasis for friendship, community, support, gospel witness, testimony, healing, transformation, regeneration, and discipleship. You never know if a visitor will ever get a second chance to hear the gospel or encounter the love of Christ. It’s not a given that people will come to church or come back. Long gone are the days when we could presume our neighbors or church visitors are Christians.  

Based on one experience, the people courageous enough to enter your building the first time may or may not visit again.  

Are they worth the adjustments you can make to help them belong? 

This article has been adapted from Matthew D. Kim’s book Becoming a Friendlier Church: A Pathway to Genuine Community, published by Baker Books. In this book, Kim calls attention to the crisis of unfriendliness that prevents many churches from welcoming new people.  

Matthew D. Kim (PhD, University of Edinburgh) is professor of preaching and pastoral leadership, holder of the George W. Truett Endowed Chair in Preaching and Evangelism, and director of the PhD in preaching program at Baylor University’s Truett Seminary in Waco, Texas. He is an award-winning author and editor of numerous books, including Ready to Preach and Preaching with Cultural Intelligence.