Singleness
This May Save Your Relationships
Most of your relationships that have failed have failed within the first two weeks even though you officially broke up some time later. Here’s why.
Singleness is like cramps. Or is it?
Unmarried people today receive a number of messages from culture and the church that distort their view of what it means to be single.
There is a growing trend that reveals that singles are getting married later and later in life. The average marriage age for a single now is in the 30s. It used to be early twenties. Singles are typically described in culture (and even church) as “those who fail to marry” or even worse as “those who do not make positive choices.”
It is not uncommon for someone who is single to attend family holiday gatherings and find themselves bombarded by questions such as:
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“You’re such a good-looking guy, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“You’ll make someone a great wife!”
“Don’t worry, hang in there someone will come along soon. God has someone really special for you.”
After hearing messages like these, it’s no wonder singles feel like marriage is the only natural arrangement in life.
Within the church singleness is seen as a state to get out of, something to fear or something you pray you never have to experience for the rest of your life. In some churches singles are not considered adults, and are not really given a chance at leadership because others do not consider the single life as one that typically shows responsibility.
This can be seen by the number of people who think married people are more capable leaders within the church primarily because the husband can minister to the guys and the wife to the women. We also see this mentality in the number of times single men who are in charge of ministries (typically youth ministries) feel they are incomplete and cannot effectively lead/minister to others because they are not married. I’ve seen single men passed over for elder positions because they are single; the reason being they do not show that they are responsible enough to handle the responsibilities because they are not married and/or have children.
Mary Stewart Van Leeuwen sums up this mentality when she says,
“Despite the fact that Christians pay lip service to the equal value of married and single people, their near-idolatry of the family over the past century has made single Christians feel like second-class citizens at best and moral failures at worst.”
Is there any wonder why so many college/post-collegiate men and women are so anxious to get married? We create environments where “the real life” or “real ministry” is only experienced or performed by married people. Is it any surprise so many people see being single as a state to get out of rather than as a state to appreciate and maximize for the glory of God.
There are a lot of single people out there who are not content with their singleness. And most are so focused on finding someone that they have no vision for the joy and beauty that is the single life. They’re so busy coveting their neighbor’s marriage that marriage has become an idol. They fail to see the tremendous opportunity God has placed before them to do great things for his glory.
However, one man did see the single life for the beauty God created it to be and he saw it as a tremendous advantage to fulfilling The Great Commission. We will talk about him next week.
3 Things That Will Increase The Likelihood of Marital Hardship
As we look around, it is impossible to deny the problem of marriages today in our society.
Refrigerators and Singleness
A buddy of mine came to my house today and was looking through my refrigerator and made the following comment: “You can tell a lot about a guy by the way his refrigerator looks.”
To which I replied, “Are you implying that the organization of the contents of my refrigerator suggests that I am gay?” He said, “Yes.”
Why did I tell you that seemingly pointless story? My friend was jokingly expressing a true fact of life and that is that my character is reflected both in the contents of my refrigerator and in the way it’s organized.
“The heavens are telling of the glory of God.”
If you have been a Christian for a while this verse may sound familiar to you. It’s from Psalm 19:1. You may have heard it interpreted as God’s characteristics being reflected within nature. This is an accurate and true interpretation of the verse. But nature is not the only realm in which we can see God’s character. We can also see his character through human relationships.
Man is made in the image of God and there possess characteristics or attributes that are similar to God; attributes such as holiness, righteousness, creation, etc. Please understand that we do not possess these attributes as perfectly as God (we are not perfectly holy) but we do possess them nonetheless.
Paul explains another way in which we reflect the character of God when he talks about marriage in Ephesians 5:22-25 as he describes the relationship between a husband and a wife as being similar to the relationship between Christ and the church. It is not uncommon to hear Christians make the same comparison today. Why? Because it’s true. If you want a visible, tangible reminder of how much Jesus loves us find a healthy marriage.
My point is simple: humanity reflects the character of God. And this is just as true in marriage as it is also true in singleness? That’s right. In the same way that the marriage relationship teaches us about God, so does singleness. But what exactly does singleness teach us or remind us about God? Consider the following thoughts:
Singleness is a reminder that God is one. The trinity has been a hot topic of debate but has sort of waned a bit. One of the good things that came out of this debate was how much the trinity reflected God’s goal in human relationships. Just as God is three, it is has always been God’s design that his people exist in community. But we must not forget that just as God is three persons, he is also one God.
Singleness is a reminder that God desires unity within his Church. God is one and also expects his people to be unified (John 17:21).
Singleness is a reminder of the continuing importance of the Great Commission. Singles (non-married and childless) do not have the restrictions that come with marriage and children and therefore have some discretion with that they do with their time. So it seems to me that the church should not have a problem getting singles involved in The Great Commission. However, this is not the case. Very few singles realize this freedom or even if they do, may not care to take advantage of it. Why? Perhaps one reason is because so many think of singleness as a state to get out of rather than maximize for the potential it gives them to get involved in the Great Commission. Therefore instead of being preoccupied with spreading the awareness of a loving God, they are preoccupied with finding a wife or a husband.
Singleness is a reminder to the church that the primary mechanism of the growth of God’s Kingdom is spiritual birth. In the Old Testament (OT), God’s Kingdom grew by procreation. That’s why marriage and childbirth are seen as such a big deal in the OT because in that day the primary means of numerical growth among God’s people was natural childbirth. Eunuchs and barrenness were seen as curses and marriage and childbirth were seen as being accepted into the people of God. Thus, for an Israelite, the potential tragedy of dying as a eunuch or virgin in the OT goes hand-in-hand with the tragedy of dying barren. Singleness was frowned upon and nobody wanted it. However, things changed at the advent of Christ. The coming of Christ established a new order. The primary mechanism of growth of God’s Kingdom was no longer procreation, but spiritual birth through The Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20).
These are a few things I think about as far as what singleness teaches us or reminds us about God. It’s time we start taking this season of life a little more seriously. You agree? Whether you are single or married, the bottom line is that God wants you to maximize that this season of life for all he wants to do in you and through you.
What would you add, modify or remove from my list? What do you think singleness reminds or teaches us about God? Leave a comment.
The Wedding Album Effect
Over the years I’ve spent a lot of time with nearly, newly, and old-as-the-hills-y wedded couples.
I’ve officiated weddings and proceeded over vow renewals, and I must say that, in general, I enjoy being a part of these celebrations of love and life. I have also been a counselor to a fair share of angry couples who demean each other like school children and expect me to “fix” the litany of issues that have them hanging by the loosest of threads. These situations are significantly less enjoyable.
In either case I’m reminded of the one image that every couple, whether experiencing the fresh excitement or the stale endurance of marriage, spends a small fortune to preserve: The Wedding Album. Within The Wedding Album’s pages we find photograph after photograph depicting the “happy” couple accompanied by family and friends in various states of loving expression. Each lovely event and beautiful expression is captured in time and made accessible through The Wedding Album.
But there’s a big problem with The Wedding Album. You see, the images it reveals – from the stunning white gown to the smiling mother-in-law – aren’t real. That’s not to say that the love represented in these pictures isn’t genuine, but the staged scenery, pristine clothing and overall goodwill undoubtedly tell a story that is less than authentic. Nobody I know walks around in a tuxedo… eating seven-layer cake… lighting a unity candle. These are not true-to-life situations. They’re framed in a leather bound album and placed on the coffee table because they’re meant to portray something of a fairy tale: a fantastic journey of soaring romance.
If the wedding album were full of realistic pictures we’d probably put that stack of 4×6 glossy’s in a zip-lock bag like the rest of our crummy vacation pics. If those pictures told the actual story of our wedding day they’d contain the images of Mom arguing with the wedding coordinator about the color of the flowers, or all the bridesmaids’ griping about how unflattering their dresses look. Or how about a shot of Dad slipping the groom a Valium to try and calm his nerves? How come none of those pictures made it into the Album?
Here’s the harsh reality: Marriage is not a fairy tale, and if you think that’s what it will be, you’ll hurt your marriage later. There is, quite possibly, nothing more corrosive to a marriage than lofty and unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying you should lower your standards and expect your marriage to be dreadful, but I am saying you should expect both the good and the bad if you really want to head into the marriage experience with a complete picture.
The reason that unrealistic “Wedding Album” expectations are so dangerous to a marriage is that they place a perfect focus on an imperfect couple. With The Wedding Album you can toss out the pictures that aren’t perfect, but with the marriage reality, you’re stuck with what you’ve got, and it usually ain’t perfect. It can be good… even great! But it can also be bad… even horrible.
So, if you’re going to have expectations (and we all do!), make sure they fall on a broad marriage spectrum with “This is the greatest thing ever!” at one end of the spectrum and “I’m either going to kill myself or him/her… One of us has to go!” at the other end of the spectrum. If you learn to operate somewhere within those two extremes, your chances of success in marriage will greatly improve.
About the Author
Steve Hayes is a friend of mine who is senior pastor of Grace Church in Cosricana, Texas. He has a bunch of kids (I lost count) and every single one of them is cute. He is an LSU football fanatic but I don’t hold that against him. Be looking for more from Steve in the future.
Playing By The Rules
I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the word pursuit. I was having issues with the word and trying to decide if it was the right word to use when describing the confusing and sometimes frustrating encounters between men and women.
If you remember I wrote an article a while back about the process of pursuit and I gave young men suggestions for engaging with young women. But, I got to thinking, what if you do everything right, you play by the rules and things still don’t work out? My initial thought was that we needed a new word, a word that would make more sense but maybe I’m just arguing semantics. Maybe what looks good on paper just doesn’t translate into real life.
My friend Cindy is interested in this guy that she works with. He is a great guy and is also interested in her. When you see them both together and watch them interact you think this is the perfect match. She has made a few advances, just to drop the hint. Yet, for some reason he has decided not to pursue her. Cindy and I have talked multiple times about the situation and she is a little confused. They have the same ministry goals; they are on the same path spiritually and have a lot of fun together. Why would he not pursue?
My friend Dan is interested in this girl he knows from church. She is a great girl from what he can tell but they haven’t had many opportunities to connect. She is friendly and warm toward him and he thinks that she might be interested. He has spent time cultivating his own relationship with the Lord and has observed her behavior and thinks they would make a great match. He decides to ask her out on a date, not once but twice. Each time he pursues she rejects him. Why would she not say yes?
What would you tell my friends Cindy and Dan? Most of us would say the obvious, “He / She is just not that in to you!” I mean that phrase is making major movie history right now as it documents a group of singles who are surprisingly also trying to figure out this whole dating thing and are a bit confused. However, knowing the maturity level of both Dan and Cindy I know that they understand he or she may not be that in to them but what they are really struggling with is playing by the rules.
Cindy is frustrated by her role in the game. For her to play by the rules it means that she has to wait and let the guy pursue her. Which in most cases means a long waiting period. She is frustrated that as a confident and capable woman she has to wait for someone else to determine when she can date. Dan is also frustrated by his role in the game. Everyone tells him to pursue yet each time he does he is met with rejection. He is beginning to think it would be a lot easier if the girls just pursued him.
But what about the people they are interested in? What are their roles in the game? Cindy is beginning to think her guy is insecure and weak. Dan is beginning to think his girl is a flirt stringing him along. But what if it’s not that at all? Cindy’s guy could be interested in her but unwilling to take the leadership role or maybe he is feeling a little emasculated by her continued advances. Dan’s girl is most likely interested him but not ready to assume the role of “helper”, the word submission sounds like a lot like suffocation to her and she is not ready to be “dominated” by a guy.
So, everyone ends up frustrated, confused and not dating. Most of us have heard stories like this and most of us have an opinion on the subject. The friend I mentioned earlier told me that we should basically throw out the rules, blow the whistle and say game on. But, as we continued discussing the subject and I voiced my concerns over throwing out the rules entirely we came to a middle ground.
Believe it or not there is a place where wisdom, culture and God intersect. This place gives us the freedom to live fully in a Godly way while using our judgment to honor God in our relationships. The real question goes deeper than just our roles as men and women in the dating arena. It boils down to sacrifice. Are you as a woman willing to sacrifice your desire to take control and allow men to be the leaders God is calling them to be? Are you as a man willing to sacrifice your pride to take the risk of asking a woman out on a date, better yet are you willing to allow her to be the woman God is calling her to be? Are we willing to sacrifice our desire for a relationship completely to God and let him guide us through our singleness?
These are difficult questions to answer especially when culture is telling us something different. In my honest opinion, there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out on a date. It’s not a sin; it’s not going to cause her or anyone else any physical harm. But, in my honest opinion I do not think it is wise. I have heard too many stories of women taking this route and having it backfire on them. Does it happen every time? Of course, not, my friend who said throw out the rules is a man married to a woman who made the first move. But it did not initially work out, her forwardness scared him off and they didn’t date until he approached her much later.
Ephesians 5:24-26 reads, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” What can you as a single person do with this passage? You can cultivate within yourselves a new understanding of sacrifice. How does the church submit to Christ? In many ways but, few of them are through trust and respect and laying aside our own desires so that we might find out the desires of the King. It’s not about giving the “man” control it’s about saying, “I trust you, because I trust Christ.” How did Christ love the church? He took a risk out of love for her; he came down from Heaven to pursue her even when he knew she would reject him. It’s not about getting a woman to say “yes” it’s about sacrificing your pride in order to understand what Paul meant when he said Christ gave himself up for the church.
As single men and women sacrifice means laying aside your impatience, pride and fear so that you can trust God. The character and strength of both men and women is shown in their sacrifice. Do what you will with the rules but just because you play by the rules doesn’t mean you won’t strike out a few times.
About The Author
Camille Goodman Holland is passionate about helping young women understand the importance of theology. She has spent the last few years of her life devoted to this endeavor and have developed several in-depth theology-based studies for women. She blogs at Finely Twisted Linen. You can read her previous articles by going here.