Camille Holland
Playing By The Rules
I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the word pursuit. I was having issues with the word and trying to decide if it was the right word to use when describing the confusing and sometimes frustrating encounters between men and women.
If you remember I wrote an article a while back about the process of pursuit and I gave young men suggestions for engaging with young women. But, I got to thinking, what if you do everything right, you play by the rules and things still don’t work out? My initial thought was that we needed a new word, a word that would make more sense but maybe I’m just arguing semantics. Maybe what looks good on paper just doesn’t translate into real life.
My friend Cindy is interested in this guy that she works with. He is a great guy and is also interested in her. When you see them both together and watch them interact you think this is the perfect match. She has made a few advances, just to drop the hint. Yet, for some reason he has decided not to pursue her. Cindy and I have talked multiple times about the situation and she is a little confused. They have the same ministry goals; they are on the same path spiritually and have a lot of fun together. Why would he not pursue?
My friend Dan is interested in this girl he knows from church. She is a great girl from what he can tell but they haven’t had many opportunities to connect. She is friendly and warm toward him and he thinks that she might be interested. He has spent time cultivating his own relationship with the Lord and has observed her behavior and thinks they would make a great match. He decides to ask her out on a date, not once but twice. Each time he pursues she rejects him. Why would she not say yes?
What would you tell my friends Cindy and Dan? Most of us would say the obvious, “He / She is just not that in to you!” I mean that phrase is making major movie history right now as it documents a group of singles who are surprisingly also trying to figure out this whole dating thing and are a bit confused. However, knowing the maturity level of both Dan and Cindy I know that they understand he or she may not be that in to them but what they are really struggling with is playing by the rules.
Cindy is frustrated by her role in the game. For her to play by the rules it means that she has to wait and let the guy pursue her. Which in most cases means a long waiting period. She is frustrated that as a confident and capable woman she has to wait for someone else to determine when she can date. Dan is also frustrated by his role in the game. Everyone tells him to pursue yet each time he does he is met with rejection. He is beginning to think it would be a lot easier if the girls just pursued him.
But what about the people they are interested in? What are their roles in the game? Cindy is beginning to think her guy is insecure and weak. Dan is beginning to think his girl is a flirt stringing him along. But what if it’s not that at all? Cindy’s guy could be interested in her but unwilling to take the leadership role or maybe he is feeling a little emasculated by her continued advances. Dan’s girl is most likely interested him but not ready to assume the role of “helper”, the word submission sounds like a lot like suffocation to her and she is not ready to be “dominated” by a guy.
So, everyone ends up frustrated, confused and not dating. Most of us have heard stories like this and most of us have an opinion on the subject. The friend I mentioned earlier told me that we should basically throw out the rules, blow the whistle and say game on. But, as we continued discussing the subject and I voiced my concerns over throwing out the rules entirely we came to a middle ground.
Believe it or not there is a place where wisdom, culture and God intersect. This place gives us the freedom to live fully in a Godly way while using our judgment to honor God in our relationships. The real question goes deeper than just our roles as men and women in the dating arena. It boils down to sacrifice. Are you as a woman willing to sacrifice your desire to take control and allow men to be the leaders God is calling them to be? Are you as a man willing to sacrifice your pride to take the risk of asking a woman out on a date, better yet are you willing to allow her to be the woman God is calling her to be? Are we willing to sacrifice our desire for a relationship completely to God and let him guide us through our singleness?
These are difficult questions to answer especially when culture is telling us something different. In my honest opinion, there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out on a date. It’s not a sin; it’s not going to cause her or anyone else any physical harm. But, in my honest opinion I do not think it is wise. I have heard too many stories of women taking this route and having it backfire on them. Does it happen every time? Of course, not, my friend who said throw out the rules is a man married to a woman who made the first move. But it did not initially work out, her forwardness scared him off and they didn’t date until he approached her much later.
Ephesians 5:24-26 reads, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” What can you as a single person do with this passage? You can cultivate within yourselves a new understanding of sacrifice. How does the church submit to Christ? In many ways but, few of them are through trust and respect and laying aside our own desires so that we might find out the desires of the King. It’s not about giving the “man” control it’s about saying, “I trust you, because I trust Christ.” How did Christ love the church? He took a risk out of love for her; he came down from Heaven to pursue her even when he knew she would reject him. It’s not about getting a woman to say “yes” it’s about sacrificing your pride in order to understand what Paul meant when he said Christ gave himself up for the church.
As single men and women sacrifice means laying aside your impatience, pride and fear so that you can trust God. The character and strength of both men and women is shown in their sacrifice. Do what you will with the rules but just because you play by the rules doesn’t mean you won’t strike out a few times.
About The Author
Camille Goodman Holland is passionate about helping young women understand the importance of theology. She has spent the last few years of her life devoted to this endeavor and have developed several in-depth theology-based studies for women. She blogs at Finely Twisted Linen. You can read her previous articles by going here.