The Notebook
Have you ever seen the movie Notebook? I saw this movie recently and was taken aback by the exaltation of love to god-like status.
The following lines are from the final scene of the movie. It captures exactly what I am talking about. Allie and Noah we husband and wife who were high school sweethearts. At the time the scene takes place they were both in a nursing home.
Allie: Do you think our love can create miracles?
Noah: I do.
Allie: Do you think our love can take us away together?
Noah: I think our love can do anything we want it to do.
Then he lays down next to her to go to sleep, and they die together.
At face value this is an entertaining movie. I watched the movie because a friend recommended it saying that it portrays a concept that I like to call Theoromanticism. Theoromanticism is the idea that romance becomes God. In our culture, we are obsessed with being loved. The idea that we are to find the love of our life and make that our life’s passion until we do is not farfetched. It’s true. Just think about the number of romance-related movies that are released each year. Or consider the number of people who are single and are often asked if they have “found that special someone.”
I’ll be honest, the closing lines of this movie creeped me out a little. Before you go biting my head off hear me out. As a Christian I understand that there is nothing wrong with consuming entertainment. But at the same time I also understand that it is important for us to consume critically. I’m not advocating that we have to interpret everything to the point that we cannot enjoy it by letting our guards down. Although I think that we should never let our guards down in any situation (1 Thessalonians 5:6). My point is that, especially when it comes to movies, we need to give some consideration to the message Hollywood is trying to send.
Everyone has a gospel. Everyone has a theology. Hollywood is no different. As Christians we need to interpret this message against what God says. This is important because many get their way of doing life (theology) from media and entertainment. And this is precisely what spooks me about this movie. My concern is not whether or not it is a good movie. In my opinion it is one of the best romance movies I have seen in a while. But when I consider the messages this movie is sending, I have concerns.
So what spooked me? The deification of love. In other words, in this movie God was replaced with love. The movie dialogue above comes at the end of the movie. Allie asks Noah if the love they have for one another can create miracles. Love does not create miracles, God does. Someone may think that is being picky. But when you consider that many people learn their theology from movies like this, you can see how it is possible for someone to easily believe that as long as they have love in their life, they have all they need because the commitment of a loved one is enough to help them overcome any and everything life throws at them. They don’t need God. They don’t need the community of the church. They just need loving affection of someone who is committed to them.
This is theoromanticism and there are many examples of it in the movie. For instance, Allie was willing throw away her entire future for a guy. In another instance, the narrator mentions that in the early stages of their relationship Allie and Noah spent every waking moment together. As a Christian hearing this, I can’t help but think that this is not a good thing considering the importance of the Great Commission. There is nothing wrong with spending time with someone you are romantically involved with, but spending “every waking moment” with them while ignoring the Great Commission seems like idolatry to me.
Finally Allie asks, “Do you think our love can take us away together?” I remember hearing this line and feeling all bubbly inside. I know, I’m weird. But after thinking this through from a theological perspective, there seem to be some inherent assumptions behind this statement. First, it appears Allie and Noah believe they will be together in the afterlife. I understand this is a popular belief among some other religions. I am not sure if they believed they would still be married or not in the afterlife, but I get the impression that this was their belief. The truth is that although we will know one another in heaven, there will be no marriage. So the idea that one needs to find the love of their life and be with them forever (including heaven) is not true. Second, there seems to be a desire for some sort of salvation from their troubles, particularly their pain. Have you known people who move from relationship to relationship looking for someone to love them to deaden the pain of loneliness? I have. It’s called emotional dependency. It is only God who saves from our troubles (Psalm 22:11; 46:1).
The religious themes in the last scene of this movie are very strong. Noah expresses the sovereignty of love when he says, “our love can do anything we want it to do.” Sovereignty as Noah describes it is an attribute that exists with God. No “thing” has total sovereignty. But God does, and he alone can do whatever he wants. And he alone can create miracle. And he alone can save creation from trouble.
Theoromanticism does for its disciples what any other religion does for its devotees. It provides a person with significance, identity and a sense of mission in life. It’s so attractive it’s no wonder people look at films like The Notebook and say, “I wish I had that.” Noah had finally accomplished his life’s dream, marrying Allie. Noah lived like a man who was clearly focused on one mission and one mission alone. He even built an entire house by himself just for her. The determination to get the project done was unthinkable. He devoted years of his life to this mission alienating himself from everyone. He risked everything he had to build this house for her, because he loved her. I wonder what the world would be like today if every Christian loved God enough to devote their entire lives, risking everything, for The Great Commission.
There are many other themes in this movie that I do not have time to explore now. We are a culture obsessed with romance. Theoromanticism has dethroned The Great Commission as the most important thing you or I will ever do in our lives. We long for the tender touch of love; to be held knowing that we have someone who is committed to us until “death do we part.” But doesn’t that sound selfish? Is that what Scripture describes as love? Is our highest calling in life to be married and bear children? In my opinion, I don’t think it is.
Side Note: I have an entire chapter devoted to theoromanticism in my eBook called 53X. The concept is explained in more detail. Check it out.
read 53x
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Ode To My Valentines: Is Christ Enough?
So, it’s almost Valentine’s Day again. I am not real sure where this holiday came from or to what real purpose it serves.
But I figure this would be a great time to discuss something so many Christians are intrigued by these days…finding loving, lasting fulfillment. Now, where do we typically find this kind of fulfillment? I’m sure most of you threw out the most commonly used, Sunday-school answer of “Jesus.” Now most of us know God alone satisfies us spiritually, but do we really believe that God can fulfill us in every way: emotionally, physically, mentally, and dare I say, sexually, if we are single? (Dang, that was a lot of commas) Hmmm…have you ever thought about that? I’m not writing this to persuade you to think like me, or to follow some sort of formula…my thinking is flawed and incomplete because I’m human, and formulas never do work when applied to living the Christian life as 2,000 years of church history will attest to. I just want you to think for yourself…but in accordance with how God tells us we will find fulfillment. After all, He is the creator, patent-holder, manufacturer, and distributor of the entire human race…I think He might know best how our lives should run to gain maximum fulfillment and performance. If you like true stories and you feel inclined to ponder this question, read on.
I recently had lunch with a friend of mine whom I hadn’t spoken with in quite some time. We were catching up on life and all its trappings, and then the subject changed to a dear mutual friend of ours. She went on to tell me that our friend, who had been engaged and about 1 month away from her wedding day, had broken off everything due to some recent discoveries in her fiancés character…major things of which I wasn’t privy to hear about. When I heard this, I was shocked to say the least. I knew this couple fairly well and to hear such news broke my heart. I left lunch that day and went home immediately to write an email to encourage my heavy-hearted friend. She later replied back thanking me for the encouragement as she was grieving the loss of this relationship. I know many women who, given the same set of circumstances, would tend to ‘over-look’ some major flaws in their man because of how badly they want to be married. This dear friend of mine is now serving the Lord in a ministry that is perfect for her passions, desires, and skills. Her life is now impacting many for the cause of Christ and His kingdom…the kind of impacts that last an eternity! God has honored her decision by rewarding her with a fulfilling mission and purpose. She is finding her true fulfillment in Christ and all that He is doing in and through her.
I also have another friend who I see from time to time, and he is a newly wed. We were having breakfast (yes, I love to eat…there’s just something special about ‘breaking bread’ with others) one day and the subject of conversation turned towards his recent marriage and how it was going. He started to persuade me to stay single for a while and to be very careful about whom I do decide to marry if I do come to that fork in the road. I went on to ask him why he was saying this. With a hint of sadness in his eyes, he went on to tell me about how he realized he had rushed in to marriage as opposed to listening to wise counsel and giving it some time. He told me he realized that there were certain things he wanted to do with his life…dreams and desires to serve that he said the Lord had placed in his heart; now he will most likely not be able to do them to the extent he would like, if at all. He was finding out how difficult marriage really is…that it isn’t some ‘heavenly sex-romp’ where ‘getting along’ just happens naturally. He is discovering how love is a daily, sacrificial choice. Is he growing spiritually through this? Of course. But he purpose of the Christian life is not to just ‘grow,’ but rather to become impactful for the Kingdom. This is a perfect segue to my point.
One person was finding her fulfillment in Christ alone and had to forfeit her marriage for now. But she is discovering more of her passions and desires in her purposes in Christ. The other, who is a dear brother in Christ, (self-admittedly) made a hasty decision to rush into marriage only to discover it wasn’t near as fulfilling as he had made it out to be. He is realizing that there is much that he will not be able to do simply for the fact that marriage brings on many new, primary responsibilities and duties that take away from absolute freedom to serve Christ in every way one could dream of.
If you were in either of their shoes, what would you do? Are you fulfilled enough in Christ alone that you could make the tough choice to pass up marriage for a season, or do you think marriage will bring something to you that you never could find in Christ?
Where do you find your fulfillment? Do you find it in affirmation from the opposite sex? Do you find it in masturbation? Do you find it in online, pseudo-communities like Facebook or MySpace? Or can we truly find ALL fulfillment in Christ alone? Is it possible to live as a single Christian and not have to pursue marriage or masturbation to be fulfilled sexually?
I want to leave you with an awesome quote from a very wise lady friend of mine, “The same people who are miserable in marriage are the same ones who were miserable as singles.”
I hope each of you, whether single or married, truly find your fulfillment in Christ alone this Valentine’s Day. Let me know what you think…
About The Author
Jonathan Schrodt is not new to practicing theology. He wrote one of the most popular articles on this site that is still getting views to this day. He is a student at Criswell College, loves missions and someday wants to spend the rest of his life traveling from country to country planting churches.
Can Marriage Make You Holy?
I was reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. He asked the question, "What if God intended marriage to make you holy?"
It was the first time that I had ever considered the possibility and I think he is on to something. I was having a conversation with someone recently when I began thinking about this again. You see, I think there is a danger in this that we need to be aware of. Nothing against Gray Thomas at all for what I am about to say because his thinking on the subject is very solid. I only mention him as a reference for stating where I got this idea.
The danger is that some people think that marriage will fix their issues. I have talked to guys before who go into relationships, even though it is clear to everyone around them that they should not, thinking the relationship will make them a better man. They miss the point that you have to be a man first (Genesis 2:15) in order to be a better one.
As Christian men we are to be continually striving to be conformed into the image of Christ as we live out the essence of what it means to be a Christian, namely, loving God and others (Matthew 22:34-40). Being a Christian means that serving others is the chief aim of what we are about in this world. No matter what it is we are doing, we are most like Christ when we serve others.
This is just as important for relationships as it is for anything else in life. We all have baggage. But it makes a lot of sense that there are certain types of baggage that would not be wise to take into a dating/courtship relationship or even a marriage such as drug addictions, sex addictions, co-dependency, financial instability, or just having it together. It’s hard to serve others when you are consumed with trying to get your life together. It is far easier to serve someone when you are not having to struggle with you own issues. Marriage is about serving the other.
If you have not figured out what it means to be a man or a lady for that matter, it’s probably not a wise thing to start a relationship. What normally happens is that we go into relationships to make us better. In some sense marriage is designed to make you holy in the same way community is designed to make you holy, and marriage is subset of community.
I once had a guy tell me, “I need to be in this relationship because it is forcing me to learn how to be a man and be responsible.” That may sound right and honorable on the surface but think about that statement for a second. When a man does not have vision, when a man does not have a sense of purpose, when a man does not have his life together and ordered, how is it sensible for God to introduce a woman? Before Eve, Adam was actively engaged in fulfilling the call of God on his life (Genesis 2:15, 19).
I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for a woman to be involved with a man who has no clear direction, cannot support her financially, and is not actively engaged in living out the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20). In the same way, as a man, it is frustrating to be with a woman who does not know what she wants in life. What’s worse is to be with a woman who was just waiting for a man to come along and give her a sense of purpose. God created every woman with a purpose in the same way that he created every man. Adam and Eve were given the same purpose (Genesis 1:28) and he had the same purpose in mind for Eve that he had for Adam before he brought her to him (Genesis 2:18).
My point is this: Ladies, if you do not know what God wants you to do with your life you are not ready for God to introduce you to the man. Therefore, don’t sit and wait for a man to come along and give you a sense of purpose. In other words, some women think their life does not really begin until they meet a guy and, “Then we will decide what God wants to do for us.”
You ski fans will know that a double black diamond is one of the most difficult ski slopes out there. If you are learning to ski, does it make sense that you would start by practicing on a double black diamond? No. In the same way, you do not go into marriage to learn how to be a man or woman.
What do you think? Do you think that it is okay for people to go into marriage or even a relationship when they do not have the basics of life together? Let me know in the comments section below.
The Superhero Syndrome
Admit it. Almost everyone loves a good superhero story. Marvel comics have made millions over the past few years just because audiences enjoy watching someone with superhuman powers save mankind.
Almost everyone wants to be or at least know a superhero. For women, if we can’t be a superhero then we might as well marry one.
The Superhero Syndrome, as I like to call it is when a woman expects a man to be her Savior or hero. She expects him to rescue her from whatever might afflict her and ride off into the sunset. Many women miss the joy of knowing Jesus because they are too busy trying to find their superhero.
You’ve heard the stories before. A woman walks up to you and says, “I’ve met the man of my dreams!” If you were me you would say, “Oh really, what’s he like?” Again if you were me you would often hear the phrase, “Well, I haven’t actually met him yet but, he is an amazing man of God.” At this point I usually begin to get a little nervous as I listen to her tell me all about what she thinks he must be like and what other people have told her about him. Keep in mind she has never actually met the man, but she thinks he may contain superhero-like qualities.
Before you begin to chuckle and label this girl “crazy”, you should know that she did not get to this point by herself. If she has grown up in the church, then she has had years of dating talks and dating books that have all contributed to her desire to find her superhero and be rescued.
My college pastor’s wife, who I absolutely adore, gave a dating talk a few years ago where she told us that we were the prize and that men needed to pursue us like they pursue a prize. As I think about that message now, I know her intentions were to make us feel valuable and encourage men to take risks. But that image doesn’t help the situation. In fact it only make us feel even more worthy of waiting for and wanting a superhero. We wait and hope for someone who will save the day and win the ultimate prize, us. But, what does this do to all the guys out there who know they are not superheroes? They begin to try to become a superhero.
You’ve seen it in the movies. One person has powers and the other doesn’t. Next thing you know the one without the powers is taking a dose of some sort of serum that will give him superhero like qualities. Well, just like girls have swallowed the pill that says they need a superhero, men have swallowed the pill that says they need to be a superhero.
The Superhero Syndrome causes us to place unhealthy expectations and undue stress on one another because we are expecting to get something that the other person cannot give us. Women tend to expect their superhero to be able to do anything. He is immune to the trials of the world, he never gets laid off, and he doesn’t get angry. In fact, many of us expect him to be like Jesus. Subconsciously we think that if men are to treat women the way Jesus treated the church then he had better be a lot like Jesus. Which means we are waiting for Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect and this side of Heaven we will never find a man that fits this description. Women who are looking for their superheroes are often disappointed when they date or marry a man and find out that he possesses no superhuman like abilities. He is not like Jesus and just like the rest of us; he struggles with sin and life. A Woman finds out pretty quickly that the only thing her superhero may possess is a desire to love and honor her. The sad thing is that God has given men many qualities that give them the ability to love their wives like no other man on earth can yet, women looking for superheroes are often left unsatisfied.
Men also find out the hard way that the woman they are trying so desperately to “save” cannot be saved by them. Men will go to extreme lengths to provide for and take care of the women they love, often working long hours to give them the house they think they need or the life they think they want. Sadly, some men view women as less capable individuals who need to be treated like children because they cannot handle the big, bad world. They take on the view that they must be like Jesus and translate that into being responsible for their wife or girlfriend’s spiritual condition. The woman is responsible for nothing and is incapable of really handling anything, whether it is the bills or the raising of children. A man’s superhero goal causes him to seek only to protect and never to love or get to know the woman he is with. Women are capable of knowing God just as intimately as men and can offer a unique perspective when seeking God together.
Both parties need to look to the only man that ever exhibited superhuman qualities. They need to look to Jesus. Scripture tells us exactly how Jesus came to save both women and men in John 3:16-17, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
Can a man become a superhero? The answer is no, but he can become everything that he was meant to be through the power given him by the Holy Spirit. Does a woman need saving? Yes, but she can only be saved by the one man that has the power to do so, Jesus Christ.
About The Author
Camille Goodman Holland is passionate about helping young women understand the importance of theology. She has spent the last few years of her life devoted to this endeavor and have developed several in-depth theology-based studies for women. She blogs at Finely Twisted Linen. You can read her previous articles by going here.
Our Love is Distorted
Our American society has distorted God’s view of love and have turned love into “making much of me” when God says it is about “making much of Him and our neighbors”. We live our lives searching and yearning for people to love us and give us attention.
The romance culture has fueled these desires so much so that marriage, dating, and romance have become the new American idols and the church is not doing a good job of defending itself against these faith-destroying mentalities. Understanding love as us making much of him and our neighbors is at the heart of what it means to be a Christian. Jesus said this in Matthew 22:34-40 when he was talking to the Pharisees who were trying to trick him into answering a question wrong so that they could discredit him. One of them who was a lawyer asked him what he thought was the greatest commandment, to which Jesus responded,
"‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ “This is the great and foremost commandment. “The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ “On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”
There are a couple of important observations we need to make about this passage.
What Kind of Love?
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, love is everywhere. You cannot avoid it in the stores, and you certainly cannot avoid it on television. The kind of love Jesus is speaking about here is not the kind that is typically associated with Valentine’s Day. Jesus is talking about agape love. Agape love is very different from the type of love associated with Valentine’s which is erotic love (eros).
Agape love is other-focused. In other words, it is a love that is focused on others whereas erotic love essentially is all about self. Agape love is self-sacrificing while erotic love is self-pleasing. Agape love is the love that God has for us and is the kind of love God expects us to first and foremost have for our neighbor.
Before we can have any other type of love for our neighbor, in particular a romantic interest, Jesus says we need to have agape love. Agape love is the foundation upon which erotic love is built. That may sound like a quaint little statement, but we will soon find out, it is not that easy to live out.
The Order
The second observation about this statement from Jesus we need to take special notice of is the order in which the command is structured. I remember when CD players first came out. My mother would buy CD’s and we never owned a player! It wasn’t until a few years later that she finally bought a CD player! Order is important in life.
Notice who Jesus says we are to love first: God. Before we can love anyone else in the way God intended for them to be loved, we need to love him. Our example of agape love is God himself and he is to be loved with the totality of our being (heart, mind, and soul).
Something is Missing
The third observation has to do with what Jesus does not say. He does not say that you have to love yourself first. For some reason a lot of people have the idea that you have to love yourself in order to love others. Maybe you think that. However, I am not sure that is necessarily the case. If it was so important that we love ourselves before love others, wouldn’t Jesus have mentioned that?
He doesn’t. And I think it is because loving ourselves is not as important or is not a prerequisite to following his command to be focused on the two most important people in our lives: God and our neighbor. Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that it is important to love the person God created us to be. But not at the expense of obeying Jesus’ command here. And this is precisely why I think the statement does not appear.
Due to sin, we are spring loaded to love ourselves. We make sure we have clothing, food and a roof over our heads. We also make sure we have love in our life. We do a lot to ensure our safety, and comfort. We even go to extreme measures like going into debt. Whatever it takes to make sure our basic needs and wants are met, we do it, which brings me to my final observation.
AS
Had Jesus simply told the Pharisees to love God and love their neighbor, everything would have been fine. But he didn’t. He went further and said that they need to love their neighbor as themselves. The word “as” is critical. In saying this word, he cuts to heart of their problem. They are more concerned with themselves than they are with their neighbor.
What Jesus is telling them to do is this: in the same way and to the same degree that they are about making sure their own needs are met, they should be about making sure the needs of their neighbor is met. Ouch. Think about that.
To the same degree that I am about making sure that I have food in my stomach I need to make sure my neighbor has food.
The Question on the Table
So the question on the table is this: Do you love your neighbor? Do you love your neighbor in the same way that you love yourself? The implications of this question are staggering when considered in the context of romantic relationships. So here are some points for you to ponder as you think through the implications of this question. Some of the questions below are repeated and asked differently on purpose.
- Do you love your neighbor enough to fold his/her laundry even though you have had a hard day yourself and you are ready for rest instead of dumping their stuff on the bed and putting your own clothes in the dryer?
- Do you love your neighbor enough to remember that they are going through a tough time and to give them a little extra attention and love and comfort?
- Do you love your neighbor enough to confront them about their sin even if it means you will lose your friendship/relationship with them?
- Do you love your neighbor enough to be the first one to say, “I’m sorry?”
- Do you love your neighbor enough to break up with them because they need to work through some life issues (sexual sin, growing up, addictions, etc.)? Loving your neighbor with regard to relationships means that sometimes you have to break things off if that person has baggage that requires some extra counseling and you know deep down inside you should not be romantically involved with them. Even if it means you suffer in the end you have to ask yourself whether or not you love that person enough to let God heal them without you distracting them because you want to hold on to a the relationship.
- Do you love your neighbor enough to be up front and honest with them about your personal struggles? If you are a man, do you love your sister in Christ enough to break things off because of your struggle with sexual sin? Do you love your sister in Christ enough to tell her the truth about your struggle with sin even if it means that you will lose her? If you don’t check your heart. You may be holding on to something you have no right to hold on to.
- Do you love your neighbor enough to not even think about getting involved with someone because you know you yourself are not right with God?
- Do you love your neighbor enough to not even think about getting involved with someone because you know you have not grown into manhood/womanhood?
- Do you love God enough to forego dating relationships for a season until you get your life together? Until you cultivate the land and get your land ready for harvest?
- Do you love your neighbor enough to set boundaries in that relationship to protect your purity? Do you love your neighbor enough to not provoke him/her to go against their boundaries?
- Do you love your neighbor enough to not hold so tightly to a relationship that they cannot get healing from their sins?
- Do you love your neighbor enough to not defraud them into thinking you are something you really are not?
- Do you love your neighbor as yourself?
I hope these questions really help you to think about how your Christian character plays out in romantic relationships. Our lives as Christians are first about extending agape love towards God and then our neighbor. Agape love is not easy. It’s hard. Perhaps it’s time we start practicing doing the hard things instead of taking the easy way out.
God bless you.
