Articles
A Helper is Not Enough
It’s not enought to have a helper. You need something more.
I wrote previously about how important it is to have a good understanding of what God wants to do with your life (and be active in it) before you start a romantic relationship. I argued from Genesis how I believe this to be a wise practice and God’s intent from the beginning. You can read that article if you want to understand where I am coming from here.
I Genesis 1:18 God says, “I will make him a helper suitable for him.” A suitable helper is the kind of helper that actually helps. She was to compliment him.
One of my favorite foods is the potato. I do not know what I would do without it. I also love hamburgers but I can’t imagine eating one without French fries on the side. Why? Because french fries complement a burger in a way nothing else can. They are the perfect complement. I just don’t get how someone can eat a burger without fried or some form of a fried potato on the side. They just go great together.
In the same way, Eve was the perfect complement to Adam. Adam already had a mission from God. God saw that in order for Adam to fulfill that mission, he needed someone who would be able to help him by bringing to the table ideas, insights and abilities Adam did not have.
It’s not enough just to have a helper. God’s design is that we have a suitable helper. Please note that there is no way Adam could know if she was suitable if he did not know his mission. There is a serious danger in dating/courting then marrying someone when you do not know God’s mission for your life.
How tragic would it be for you wake up one day only to realize that the person you’ve been sleeping next to is not the person you should have married? Even worse, imagine you have been married a few years. You discover God’s plan for your life only to realize that you cannot fulfill it because your spouse is not cut out for it. God did not make him/her to have the same desire for missions as you. I promise you this would not be a fun experience. You will have to live the rest of your life knowing that you can never fulfill your life’s passion.
I do not believe it was random that the author of Genesis chose to use the word suitable. This was a deliberately chosen word because God wants us to understand that a helper is not enough.
Refrigerators and Singleness
A buddy of mine came to my house today and was looking through my refrigerator and made the following comment: “You can tell a lot about a guy by the way his refrigerator looks.”
To which I replied, “Are you implying that the organization of the contents of my refrigerator suggests that I am gay?” He said, “Yes.”
Why did I tell you that seemingly pointless story? My friend was jokingly expressing a true fact of life and that is that my character is reflected both in the contents of my refrigerator and in the way it’s organized.
“The heavens are telling of the glory of God.”
If you have been a Christian for a while this verse may sound familiar to you. It’s from Psalm 19:1. You may have heard it interpreted as God’s characteristics being reflected within nature. This is an accurate and true interpretation of the verse. But nature is not the only realm in which we can see God’s character. We can also see his character through human relationships.
Man is made in the image of God and there possess characteristics or attributes that are similar to God; attributes such as holiness, righteousness, creation, etc. Please understand that we do not possess these attributes as perfectly as God (we are not perfectly holy) but we do possess them nonetheless.
Paul explains another way in which we reflect the character of God when he talks about marriage in Ephesians 5:22-25 as he describes the relationship between a husband and a wife as being similar to the relationship between Christ and the church. It is not uncommon to hear Christians make the same comparison today. Why? Because it’s true. If you want a visible, tangible reminder of how much Jesus loves us find a healthy marriage.
My point is simple: humanity reflects the character of God. And this is just as true in marriage as it is also true in singleness? That’s right. In the same way that the marriage relationship teaches us about God, so does singleness. But what exactly does singleness teach us or remind us about God? Consider the following thoughts:
Singleness is a reminder that God is one. The trinity has been a hot topic of debate but has sort of waned a bit. One of the good things that came out of this debate was how much the trinity reflected God’s goal in human relationships. Just as God is three, it is has always been God’s design that his people exist in community. But we must not forget that just as God is three persons, he is also one God.
Singleness is a reminder that God desires unity within his Church. God is one and also expects his people to be unified (John 17:21).
Singleness is a reminder of the continuing importance of the Great Commission. Singles (non-married and childless) do not have the restrictions that come with marriage and children and therefore have some discretion with that they do with their time. So it seems to me that the church should not have a problem getting singles involved in The Great Commission. However, this is not the case. Very few singles realize this freedom or even if they do, may not care to take advantage of it. Why? Perhaps one reason is because so many think of singleness as a state to get out of rather than maximize for the potential it gives them to get involved in the Great Commission. Therefore instead of being preoccupied with spreading the awareness of a loving God, they are preoccupied with finding a wife or a husband.
Singleness is a reminder to the church that the primary mechanism of the growth of God’s Kingdom is spiritual birth. In the Old Testament (OT), God’s Kingdom grew by procreation. That’s why marriage and childbirth are seen as such a big deal in the OT because in that day the primary means of numerical growth among God’s people was natural childbirth. Eunuchs and barrenness were seen as curses and marriage and childbirth were seen as being accepted into the people of God. Thus, for an Israelite, the potential tragedy of dying as a eunuch or virgin in the OT goes hand-in-hand with the tragedy of dying barren. Singleness was frowned upon and nobody wanted it. However, things changed at the advent of Christ. The coming of Christ established a new order. The primary mechanism of growth of God’s Kingdom was no longer procreation, but spiritual birth through The Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20).
These are a few things I think about as far as what singleness teaches us or reminds us about God. It’s time we start taking this season of life a little more seriously. You agree? Whether you are single or married, the bottom line is that God wants you to maximize that this season of life for all he wants to do in you and through you.
What would you add, modify or remove from my list? What do you think singleness reminds or teaches us about God? Leave a comment.
The Wedding Album Effect
Over the years I’ve spent a lot of time with nearly, newly, and old-as-the-hills-y wedded couples.
I’ve officiated weddings and proceeded over vow renewals, and I must say that, in general, I enjoy being a part of these celebrations of love and life. I have also been a counselor to a fair share of angry couples who demean each other like school children and expect me to “fix” the litany of issues that have them hanging by the loosest of threads. These situations are significantly less enjoyable.
In either case I’m reminded of the one image that every couple, whether experiencing the fresh excitement or the stale endurance of marriage, spends a small fortune to preserve: The Wedding Album. Within The Wedding Album’s pages we find photograph after photograph depicting the “happy” couple accompanied by family and friends in various states of loving expression. Each lovely event and beautiful expression is captured in time and made accessible through The Wedding Album.
But there’s a big problem with The Wedding Album. You see, the images it reveals – from the stunning white gown to the smiling mother-in-law – aren’t real. That’s not to say that the love represented in these pictures isn’t genuine, but the staged scenery, pristine clothing and overall goodwill undoubtedly tell a story that is less than authentic. Nobody I know walks around in a tuxedo… eating seven-layer cake… lighting a unity candle. These are not true-to-life situations. They’re framed in a leather bound album and placed on the coffee table because they’re meant to portray something of a fairy tale: a fantastic journey of soaring romance.
If the wedding album were full of realistic pictures we’d probably put that stack of 4×6 glossy’s in a zip-lock bag like the rest of our crummy vacation pics. If those pictures told the actual story of our wedding day they’d contain the images of Mom arguing with the wedding coordinator about the color of the flowers, or all the bridesmaids’ griping about how unflattering their dresses look. Or how about a shot of Dad slipping the groom a Valium to try and calm his nerves? How come none of those pictures made it into the Album?
Here’s the harsh reality: Marriage is not a fairy tale, and if you think that’s what it will be, you’ll hurt your marriage later. There is, quite possibly, nothing more corrosive to a marriage than lofty and unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying you should lower your standards and expect your marriage to be dreadful, but I am saying you should expect both the good and the bad if you really want to head into the marriage experience with a complete picture.
The reason that unrealistic “Wedding Album” expectations are so dangerous to a marriage is that they place a perfect focus on an imperfect couple. With The Wedding Album you can toss out the pictures that aren’t perfect, but with the marriage reality, you’re stuck with what you’ve got, and it usually ain’t perfect. It can be good… even great! But it can also be bad… even horrible.
So, if you’re going to have expectations (and we all do!), make sure they fall on a broad marriage spectrum with “This is the greatest thing ever!” at one end of the spectrum and “I’m either going to kill myself or him/her… One of us has to go!” at the other end of the spectrum. If you learn to operate somewhere within those two extremes, your chances of success in marriage will greatly improve.
About the Author
Steve Hayes is a friend of mine who is senior pastor of Grace Church in Cosricana, Texas. He has a bunch of kids (I lost count) and every single one of them is cute. He is an LSU football fanatic but I don’t hold that against him. Be looking for more from Steve in the future.
Playing By The Rules
I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the word pursuit. I was having issues with the word and trying to decide if it was the right word to use when describing the confusing and sometimes frustrating encounters between men and women.
If you remember I wrote an article a while back about the process of pursuit and I gave young men suggestions for engaging with young women. But, I got to thinking, what if you do everything right, you play by the rules and things still don’t work out? My initial thought was that we needed a new word, a word that would make more sense but maybe I’m just arguing semantics. Maybe what looks good on paper just doesn’t translate into real life.
My friend Cindy is interested in this guy that she works with. He is a great guy and is also interested in her. When you see them both together and watch them interact you think this is the perfect match. She has made a few advances, just to drop the hint. Yet, for some reason he has decided not to pursue her. Cindy and I have talked multiple times about the situation and she is a little confused. They have the same ministry goals; they are on the same path spiritually and have a lot of fun together. Why would he not pursue?
My friend Dan is interested in this girl he knows from church. She is a great girl from what he can tell but they haven’t had many opportunities to connect. She is friendly and warm toward him and he thinks that she might be interested. He has spent time cultivating his own relationship with the Lord and has observed her behavior and thinks they would make a great match. He decides to ask her out on a date, not once but twice. Each time he pursues she rejects him. Why would she not say yes?
What would you tell my friends Cindy and Dan? Most of us would say the obvious, “He / She is just not that in to you!” I mean that phrase is making major movie history right now as it documents a group of singles who are surprisingly also trying to figure out this whole dating thing and are a bit confused. However, knowing the maturity level of both Dan and Cindy I know that they understand he or she may not be that in to them but what they are really struggling with is playing by the rules.
Cindy is frustrated by her role in the game. For her to play by the rules it means that she has to wait and let the guy pursue her. Which in most cases means a long waiting period. She is frustrated that as a confident and capable woman she has to wait for someone else to determine when she can date. Dan is also frustrated by his role in the game. Everyone tells him to pursue yet each time he does he is met with rejection. He is beginning to think it would be a lot easier if the girls just pursued him.
But what about the people they are interested in? What are their roles in the game? Cindy is beginning to think her guy is insecure and weak. Dan is beginning to think his girl is a flirt stringing him along. But what if it’s not that at all? Cindy’s guy could be interested in her but unwilling to take the leadership role or maybe he is feeling a little emasculated by her continued advances. Dan’s girl is most likely interested him but not ready to assume the role of “helper”, the word submission sounds like a lot like suffocation to her and she is not ready to be “dominated” by a guy.
So, everyone ends up frustrated, confused and not dating. Most of us have heard stories like this and most of us have an opinion on the subject. The friend I mentioned earlier told me that we should basically throw out the rules, blow the whistle and say game on. But, as we continued discussing the subject and I voiced my concerns over throwing out the rules entirely we came to a middle ground.
Believe it or not there is a place where wisdom, culture and God intersect. This place gives us the freedom to live fully in a Godly way while using our judgment to honor God in our relationships. The real question goes deeper than just our roles as men and women in the dating arena. It boils down to sacrifice. Are you as a woman willing to sacrifice your desire to take control and allow men to be the leaders God is calling them to be? Are you as a man willing to sacrifice your pride to take the risk of asking a woman out on a date, better yet are you willing to allow her to be the woman God is calling her to be? Are we willing to sacrifice our desire for a relationship completely to God and let him guide us through our singleness?
These are difficult questions to answer especially when culture is telling us something different. In my honest opinion, there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out on a date. It’s not a sin; it’s not going to cause her or anyone else any physical harm. But, in my honest opinion I do not think it is wise. I have heard too many stories of women taking this route and having it backfire on them. Does it happen every time? Of course, not, my friend who said throw out the rules is a man married to a woman who made the first move. But it did not initially work out, her forwardness scared him off and they didn’t date until he approached her much later.
Ephesians 5:24-26 reads, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” What can you as a single person do with this passage? You can cultivate within yourselves a new understanding of sacrifice. How does the church submit to Christ? In many ways but, few of them are through trust and respect and laying aside our own desires so that we might find out the desires of the King. It’s not about giving the “man” control it’s about saying, “I trust you, because I trust Christ.” How did Christ love the church? He took a risk out of love for her; he came down from Heaven to pursue her even when he knew she would reject him. It’s not about getting a woman to say “yes” it’s about sacrificing your pride in order to understand what Paul meant when he said Christ gave himself up for the church.
As single men and women sacrifice means laying aside your impatience, pride and fear so that you can trust God. The character and strength of both men and women is shown in their sacrifice. Do what you will with the rules but just because you play by the rules doesn’t mean you won’t strike out a few times.
About The Author
Camille Goodman Holland is passionate about helping young women understand the importance of theology. She has spent the last few years of her life devoted to this endeavor and have developed several in-depth theology-based studies for women. She blogs at Finely Twisted Linen. You can read her previous articles by going here.
The Notebook
Have you ever seen the movie Notebook? I saw this movie recently and was taken aback by the exaltation of love to god-like status.
The following lines are from the final scene of the movie. It captures exactly what I am talking about. Allie and Noah we husband and wife who were high school sweethearts. At the time the scene takes place they were both in a nursing home.
Allie: Do you think our love can create miracles?
Noah: I do.
Allie: Do you think our love can take us away together?
Noah: I think our love can do anything we want it to do.
Then he lays down next to her to go to sleep, and they die together.
At face value this is an entertaining movie. I watched the movie because a friend recommended it saying that it portrays a concept that I like to call Theoromanticism. Theoromanticism is the idea that romance becomes God. In our culture, we are obsessed with being loved. The idea that we are to find the love of our life and make that our life’s passion until we do is not farfetched. It’s true. Just think about the number of romance-related movies that are released each year. Or consider the number of people who are single and are often asked if they have “found that special someone.”
I’ll be honest, the closing lines of this movie creeped me out a little. Before you go biting my head off hear me out. As a Christian I understand that there is nothing wrong with consuming entertainment. But at the same time I also understand that it is important for us to consume critically. I’m not advocating that we have to interpret everything to the point that we cannot enjoy it by letting our guards down. Although I think that we should never let our guards down in any situation (1 Thessalonians 5:6). My point is that, especially when it comes to movies, we need to give some consideration to the message Hollywood is trying to send.
Everyone has a gospel. Everyone has a theology. Hollywood is no different. As Christians we need to interpret this message against what God says. This is important because many get their way of doing life (theology) from media and entertainment. And this is precisely what spooks me about this movie. My concern is not whether or not it is a good movie. In my opinion it is one of the best romance movies I have seen in a while. But when I consider the messages this movie is sending, I have concerns.
So what spooked me? The deification of love. In other words, in this movie God was replaced with love. The movie dialogue above comes at the end of the movie. Allie asks Noah if the love they have for one another can create miracles. Love does not create miracles, God does. Someone may think that is being picky. But when you consider that many people learn their theology from movies like this, you can see how it is possible for someone to easily believe that as long as they have love in their life, they have all they need because the commitment of a loved one is enough to help them overcome any and everything life throws at them. They don’t need God. They don’t need the community of the church. They just need loving affection of someone who is committed to them.
This is theoromanticism and there are many examples of it in the movie. For instance, Allie was willing throw away her entire future for a guy. In another instance, the narrator mentions that in the early stages of their relationship Allie and Noah spent every waking moment together. As a Christian hearing this, I can’t help but think that this is not a good thing considering the importance of the Great Commission. There is nothing wrong with spending time with someone you are romantically involved with, but spending “every waking moment” with them while ignoring the Great Commission seems like idolatry to me.
Finally Allie asks, “Do you think our love can take us away together?” I remember hearing this line and feeling all bubbly inside. I know, I’m weird. But after thinking this through from a theological perspective, there seem to be some inherent assumptions behind this statement. First, it appears Allie and Noah believe they will be together in the afterlife. I understand this is a popular belief among some other religions. I am not sure if they believed they would still be married or not in the afterlife, but I get the impression that this was their belief. The truth is that although we will know one another in heaven, there will be no marriage. So the idea that one needs to find the love of their life and be with them forever (including heaven) is not true. Second, there seems to be a desire for some sort of salvation from their troubles, particularly their pain. Have you known people who move from relationship to relationship looking for someone to love them to deaden the pain of loneliness? I have. It’s called emotional dependency. It is only God who saves from our troubles (Psalm 22:11; 46:1).
The religious themes in the last scene of this movie are very strong. Noah expresses the sovereignty of love when he says, “our love can do anything we want it to do.” Sovereignty as Noah describes it is an attribute that exists with God. No “thing” has total sovereignty. But God does, and he alone can do whatever he wants. And he alone can create miracle. And he alone can save creation from trouble.
Theoromanticism does for its disciples what any other religion does for its devotees. It provides a person with significance, identity and a sense of mission in life. It’s so attractive it’s no wonder people look at films like The Notebook and say, “I wish I had that.” Noah had finally accomplished his life’s dream, marrying Allie. Noah lived like a man who was clearly focused on one mission and one mission alone. He even built an entire house by himself just for her. The determination to get the project done was unthinkable. He devoted years of his life to this mission alienating himself from everyone. He risked everything he had to build this house for her, because he loved her. I wonder what the world would be like today if every Christian loved God enough to devote their entire lives, risking everything, for The Great Commission.
There are many other themes in this movie that I do not have time to explore now. We are a culture obsessed with romance. Theoromanticism has dethroned The Great Commission as the most important thing you or I will ever do in our lives. We long for the tender touch of love; to be held knowing that we have someone who is committed to us until “death do we part.” But doesn’t that sound selfish? Is that what Scripture describes as love? Is our highest calling in life to be married and bear children? In my opinion, I don’t think it is.
Side Note: I have an entire chapter devoted to theoromanticism in my eBook called 53X. The concept is explained in more detail. Check it out.
Ode To My Valentines: Is Christ Enough?
So, it’s almost Valentine’s Day again. I am not real sure where this holiday came from or to what real purpose it serves.
But I figure this would be a great time to discuss something so many Christians are intrigued by these days…finding loving, lasting fulfillment. Now, where do we typically find this kind of fulfillment? I’m sure most of you threw out the most commonly used, Sunday-school answer of “Jesus.” Now most of us know God alone satisfies us spiritually, but do we really believe that God can fulfill us in every way: emotionally, physically, mentally, and dare I say, sexually, if we are single? (Dang, that was a lot of commas) Hmmm…have you ever thought about that? I’m not writing this to persuade you to think like me, or to follow some sort of formula…my thinking is flawed and incomplete because I’m human, and formulas never do work when applied to living the Christian life as 2,000 years of church history will attest to. I just want you to think for yourself…but in accordance with how God tells us we will find fulfillment. After all, He is the creator, patent-holder, manufacturer, and distributor of the entire human race…I think He might know best how our lives should run to gain maximum fulfillment and performance. If you like true stories and you feel inclined to ponder this question, read on.
I recently had lunch with a friend of mine whom I hadn’t spoken with in quite some time. We were catching up on life and all its trappings, and then the subject changed to a dear mutual friend of ours. She went on to tell me that our friend, who had been engaged and about 1 month away from her wedding day, had broken off everything due to some recent discoveries in her fiancés character…major things of which I wasn’t privy to hear about. When I heard this, I was shocked to say the least. I knew this couple fairly well and to hear such news broke my heart. I left lunch that day and went home immediately to write an email to encourage my heavy-hearted friend. She later replied back thanking me for the encouragement as she was grieving the loss of this relationship. I know many women who, given the same set of circumstances, would tend to ‘over-look’ some major flaws in their man because of how badly they want to be married. This dear friend of mine is now serving the Lord in a ministry that is perfect for her passions, desires, and skills. Her life is now impacting many for the cause of Christ and His kingdom…the kind of impacts that last an eternity! God has honored her decision by rewarding her with a fulfilling mission and purpose. She is finding her true fulfillment in Christ and all that He is doing in and through her.
I also have another friend who I see from time to time, and he is a newly wed. We were having breakfast (yes, I love to eat…there’s just something special about ‘breaking bread’ with others) one day and the subject of conversation turned towards his recent marriage and how it was going. He started to persuade me to stay single for a while and to be very careful about whom I do decide to marry if I do come to that fork in the road. I went on to ask him why he was saying this. With a hint of sadness in his eyes, he went on to tell me about how he realized he had rushed in to marriage as opposed to listening to wise counsel and giving it some time. He told me he realized that there were certain things he wanted to do with his life…dreams and desires to serve that he said the Lord had placed in his heart; now he will most likely not be able to do them to the extent he would like, if at all. He was finding out how difficult marriage really is…that it isn’t some ‘heavenly sex-romp’ where ‘getting along’ just happens naturally. He is discovering how love is a daily, sacrificial choice. Is he growing spiritually through this? Of course. But he purpose of the Christian life is not to just ‘grow,’ but rather to become impactful for the Kingdom. This is a perfect segue to my point.
One person was finding her fulfillment in Christ alone and had to forfeit her marriage for now. But she is discovering more of her passions and desires in her purposes in Christ. The other, who is a dear brother in Christ, (self-admittedly) made a hasty decision to rush into marriage only to discover it wasn’t near as fulfilling as he had made it out to be. He is realizing that there is much that he will not be able to do simply for the fact that marriage brings on many new, primary responsibilities and duties that take away from absolute freedom to serve Christ in every way one could dream of.
If you were in either of their shoes, what would you do? Are you fulfilled enough in Christ alone that you could make the tough choice to pass up marriage for a season, or do you think marriage will bring something to you that you never could find in Christ?
Where do you find your fulfillment? Do you find it in affirmation from the opposite sex? Do you find it in masturbation? Do you find it in online, pseudo-communities like Facebook or MySpace? Or can we truly find ALL fulfillment in Christ alone? Is it possible to live as a single Christian and not have to pursue marriage or masturbation to be fulfilled sexually?
I want to leave you with an awesome quote from a very wise lady friend of mine, “The same people who are miserable in marriage are the same ones who were miserable as singles.”
I hope each of you, whether single or married, truly find your fulfillment in Christ alone this Valentine’s Day. Let me know what you think…
About The Author
Jonathan Schrodt is not new to practicing theology. He wrote one of the most popular articles on this site that is still getting views to this day. He is a student at Criswell College, loves missions and someday wants to spend the rest of his life traveling from country to country planting churches.