The Wedding Album Effect
Over the years I’ve spent a lot of time with nearly, newly, and old-as-the-hills-y wedded couples.
I’ve officiated weddings and proceeded over vow renewals, and I must say that, in general, I enjoy being a part of these celebrations of love and life. I have also been a counselor to a fair share of angry couples who demean each other like school children and expect me to “fix” the litany of issues that have them hanging by the loosest of threads. These situations are significantly less enjoyable.
In either case I’m reminded of the one image that every couple, whether experiencing the fresh excitement or the stale endurance of marriage, spends a small fortune to preserve: The Wedding Album. Within The Wedding Album’s pages we find photograph after photograph depicting the “happy” couple accompanied by family and friends in various states of loving expression. Each lovely event and beautiful expression is captured in time and made accessible through The Wedding Album.
But there’s a big problem with The Wedding Album. You see, the images it reveals – from the stunning white gown to the smiling mother-in-law – aren’t real. That’s not to say that the love represented in these pictures isn’t genuine, but the staged scenery, pristine clothing and overall goodwill undoubtedly tell a story that is less than authentic. Nobody I know walks around in a tuxedo… eating seven-layer cake… lighting a unity candle. These are not true-to-life situations. They’re framed in a leather bound album and placed on the coffee table because they’re meant to portray something of a fairy tale: a fantastic journey of soaring romance.
If the wedding album were full of realistic pictures we’d probably put that stack of 4×6 glossy’s in a zip-lock bag like the rest of our crummy vacation pics. If those pictures told the actual story of our wedding day they’d contain the images of Mom arguing with the wedding coordinator about the color of the flowers, or all the bridesmaids’ griping about how unflattering their dresses look. Or how about a shot of Dad slipping the groom a Valium to try and calm his nerves? How come none of those pictures made it into the Album?
Here’s the harsh reality: Marriage is not a fairy tale, and if you think that’s what it will be, you’ll hurt your marriage later. There is, quite possibly, nothing more corrosive to a marriage than lofty and unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying you should lower your standards and expect your marriage to be dreadful, but I am saying you should expect both the good and the bad if you really want to head into the marriage experience with a complete picture.
The reason that unrealistic “Wedding Album” expectations are so dangerous to a marriage is that they place a perfect focus on an imperfect couple. With The Wedding Album you can toss out the pictures that aren’t perfect, but with the marriage reality, you’re stuck with what you’ve got, and it usually ain’t perfect. It can be good… even great! But it can also be bad… even horrible.
So, if you’re going to have expectations (and we all do!), make sure they fall on a broad marriage spectrum with “This is the greatest thing ever!” at one end of the spectrum and “I’m either going to kill myself or him/her… One of us has to go!” at the other end of the spectrum. If you learn to operate somewhere within those two extremes, your chances of success in marriage will greatly improve.
About the Author
Steve Hayes is a friend of mine who is senior pastor of Grace Church in Cosricana, Texas. He has a bunch of kids (I lost count) and every single one of them is cute. He is an LSU football fanatic but I don’t hold that against him. Be looking for more from Steve in the future.
Robert
I love theology and the challenge of making deep teachings non-boring. Let's face it, most of the time we hear theological teaching, it really is boring. Does it really have to be that way? Nope.
