Broken Dreams

January 14, 2009 in Articles Comments off

Life with God can be challenging when you are trying to figure out God’s will. So I asked Natasha to tell her story of the struggles she has had over the past year or so. I asked her to do this because I do not want people to think that because I write a few articles about how to figure out God’s will for our lives that I have somehow "figured it out" or that I am over simplifying life. I am not.

I know first hand how hard it is and Natasha’s story here for this reason. Maybe you have a similar story that you wouldn’t mind sharing in the comments below. I don’t want to keep you any longer. Here’s her story.

Having the rug pulled out from under you hurts more than you think.  I’m 25 years old and am definitely not where I had planned to be.  My junior year of high school is when I started toying with the dream of living overseas.  I had gone on a few mission trips and felt more alive and more like me than ever before.  I fervently pursued this new passion over the next few years of my life.  I went to college to be a missionary.  I traveled through Mexico, had an opportunity in Europe and lastly my heart was left in Sudan, Africa.  I visited Sudan in my last year of college.  When I stepped off the plane onto this foreign soil I had no clue what was going to happen.  The drive from the airplane to the orphanage, where we were ministering at, was silent as I processed this new world whizzing by me.  Once we arrived at the orphanage we were slowly introduced to many tiny faces, and my heart slowly fell in love.  These kids didn’t know who their family was or where they were, but they were beyond joyous.  After a week of visiting with these kids I wanted to go back. 

Coming home I had to evaluate whether this longing was a “mission trip high,” or truly the Lord calling me into my dream of overseas missions.  Within months I was going on interviews, filling out applications, and then I started raising my support.  I don’t let myself embrace exciting situations in life because they will usually end up sour.  This time I couldn’t help but be enthralled with living out my heartbeat.  After graduating college I sent out my support letters, and within a months time I had raised two years of support.  If that wasn’t a confirmation of being in God’s will, I don’t know what is.  A few months later I was packed, saying farewell, and stepping on a plane.  I finally understood the word “bittersweet.”

The next two months was similar to watching a horrible car crash in slow motion.  You’re not quite sure how bad the accident is going to be, but you know it’s gonna hurt.  Well, my plan of being in Sudan for two years was shortened to two months.  (And not by choice, mind you.)  I came home numb.  I came home embarrassed.  I came home.

I didn’t understand what God had done.  I understood why I was home, but I didn’t understand why a God who knows how much I struggle with trust would allow this to happen.  How the crap am I supposed to trust Him again?  The one thing I desired was ripped away from me.  He isn’t a loving God.  He isn’t trustworthy. Sure, He’ll give me the desire of my heart, but only for a little while.  There were a good two days I was done with Christianity.  Yet, apparently, He is a loving God because I’m still following Him.

The next year and a half was rough.  I wanted to numb my pain so I drank adult beverages, ate a lot of food, started running a lot, got into shallow relationships, dot, dot, dot.  I was hurt.  I finally stopped and let myself embrace the pain.  I sought counseling and a friend helped disciple me.  Both of these women told me time after time, “It’s ok to cry.”  Emotions are valid.  Our society teaches us they aren’t, but emotions are who we are.  If we deny our emotions, we deny ourselves.  When we deny ourselves we’re keeping God out.  So, I cried.  I spent many days lying on the floor in tears.  I realized I was in mourning.  My dream had died.

I confessed many times that I was tired of crying, but I didn’t know how to stop.  I was scared I would never be able to move on.  Nine months later I really started to feel like I could start standing on my own two feet again.  I wrestled with God.  I told him how angry I was with Him.  I was honest about not wanting to trust Him.  I embraced my doubts in religion.  We truly serve a patient and loving God.

My foundation of faith was hit with a sledgehammer.  God wanted me to build a new foundation…one day at a time; one brick at a time.  I went to India on a mission trip.  I lead a group of middle school students on a mission trip.  I took political stances.  These were major bricks in my foundation.  I’ve been trying to figure out what the next step in my life is.  I’ve been searching for what I’m truly passionate about.  I’ve realized my heartbeat is to be overseas and to be in relationships with the hurting.  Life is a process that can sometimes be beautiful and sometimes repulsive.

God took me and smashed every part of me, and has created a new person.  I may have the same heartbeat, but it’s a different person pursing.  The pain and doubts I felt, and still deal with, have made me more personable.  Christianity isn’t easy.  It’s hard.  Whoever coined following Christ is easy, must not have been a true follower.  It’s difficult but together as a family we can fight this exquisite fight.

Natasha

Do you have a story of difficulty about trying to figure out God’s will? Have you taken risks in life and things not turn out the way you planned? Do you feel like you have any shattered dreams? Share it in the comments below.