A Pursuit in a Godly Direction

November 30, 2008 in Articles View Comments

This week I have another guest writer for you. Her name is Camille Holland. She is recently married, and when she is not spending time with her new hubby (what up Matt!) she is experiencing the joy of disciping young college women. I asked Camille to come and talk to the guys I disciple last week and give her thoughts on what she thought was the most appropriate way for them to pursue a godly romantic relationship. The following article is a brief summary of that conversation. Thank you, Camille.

How do you talk to a group of college guys about dating relationships when you’re a post-graduate married woman? Well, it ain’t easy. I’d only been married for about eight months so I still knew what it tasted like to be single. I clearly remember the feelings of impatience and loneliness that I felt for so many years as I watched friend after friend get married. Now that I am married I still sympathize deeply with the heart of the single person.  However, understanding the heart of a single man is much different from that of a single woman.

Single men today experience extreme pressure from the media and society to view relationships as either things to be conquered and counted or as an area where women do all the work.  Even in Christian circles this mindset exists leading in part to the dysfunctionality of Christian relationships today. With that in mind, the ability for Christian college men to enter into Godly relationships must come from a Scriptural outlook and not society.

Matthew 22:37-39 is a good basis for our interactions in relationships. If we call ourselves Christians then we should admittedly affirm the first statement. As believers, man or woman, we should make our first goal in life to know and love God. Every behavior and thought flows from our belief and love for God. It is virtually impossible to really love our neighbor if we do not first love God. Likewise, it is virtually impossible for a Christian guy to enter into a godly relationship with a Christian girl without first knowing and loving God. Although it does happen, it will never be the relationship that God intended it to be unless he puts God first. But, how does he get to this point? How can he enter into a godly relationship by first loving God and then loving his neighbor?

1:Cultivate Your Relationship With God
The first step is to cultivate your relationship with God. This is done by intentionally setting aside time to get into God’s Word and spend time in prayer. Again, if we don’t know who God is then we can’t really love him and we can’t really love our neighbors. For men, pay special attention to the men of the Bible and how God used them to be leaders in relationships. For example, Joseph was a great fiancée and husband to Mary, the mother of Jesus. He protected her, stood by her side and chose to be an active part of her life. 

2:Enter into a Discipleship Relationship
The second step is to enter into a discipleship relationship with another person or small group. For men and women discipleship is a key component in encouraging our spiritual growth and developing our relationships. A mentor or small group can see from the outside what your life looks like and how you behave in relationships. They can challenge you to grow in ways that might not be obvious to you. It is particularly important that the girl you wish to enter into a relationship with is also involved in a discipleship relationship with another person or small group.

3:Identify the Woman Through Observation
The third step is to identify the kind of woman that you would like to date. This can be done through a process called, observation. This process is not meant to mimic stalking but to quietly notice the woman’s heart and how she behaves around others. (Note: This step will be in direct contrast to the way society describes the start of relationships. Society will tell the man to jump right in and then decide how you feel about her the next morning.) The observation phase should begin as soon as you start thinking, “This is a cool girl, and I’d like to get to know her better.” It is meant to give you time to really decide if this is the girl you want to pursue. You do not need to say anything to this girl or make your intentions known. Just be a friend to her and observe. Important questions to ask during the observation phase are: does she love God and does she love others? Your answer to these questions will help you determine if she is the sort of girl you should pursue.

4:Pursue Her In A Godly Way
The fourth step is to pursue her in a Godly way. Pursuit is the initial step that is taken to get to know the girl better. It begins the moment you ask her out on a date. Once you’ve decided that the girl meets the above criteria then you can and should begin the pursuit phase. The ball is in your court so act responsibly. If you are not sure if you want to pursue her, DON’T. If you still have questions, WAIT. Relationships are tricky territory but, the way that you pursue gives her a clue into who you are and your character. Again, check out the Bible for some examples of how men pursued women. For example, Jacob pursued Leah for 7 years before he married her. I know that times are different but the same principles still apply.

The worst thing you can do to a girl is lead her on. Communicate to her how you feel and let her know the moment you start thinking that this is not going to work. If she has a discipleship relationship or small group around her then she will be fine. They will handle any negative feelings. If you are concerned about her well-being talk to her friends but leave her alone. Once you have stated that you are not interested back it up with action and give her some time to heal before attempting to restore the friendship.